Maurice’s Wedding

I’m at the wedding of one of my best friends this weekend and I wanted to give you a taste of what this couple is like. As you may be aware, most of my friends are of the seriously-quirky variety, but you may not know just how quirky some of my friends get. As an illustration, here is the fantasy Maurice sent me of his special day…

Of course this is somewhat hyperbolic, but I’m pretty sure that he would really enjoy this Game of Thrones-meets-CSPAN wedding. I’m sure there will be pics later.

[Bagpipe band plays processional]

Speaker: [Sounds gavel] I call this wedding to order.

[Bride approaches podium]

Bride: I call up Wedding Resolution number 1. A rule governing the debate and consideration of amendments for Wedding Bill 1, the vows.

Speaker: The clerk will report the resolution.

Clerk: Wedding Resolution 1, providing for consideration of the vows under a structured rule.

Bride: I ask unanimous consent that the reading of the resolution be waived.

Speaker: Without objection. There will be thirty minutes of debate on the resolution divided between the two sides in the usual fashion. The Gentlelady from the District of Columbia is recognized.

Bride: I yield myself such time as I may consume.

[debate proceeds]

Speaker: Time for debate having expired, the previous question is ordered. The question is on adoption of the resolution. A recorded vote is mandatory under the rule. The clerk will call the roll.

Clerk: The Gentleman from the District of Columbia.

Groom: Aye.

Clerk: The Gentlelady from the District of Columbia.

Bride: Aye.

Speaker: The clerk will report.

Clerk: Two votes in favor, none opposed.

Speaker: The resolution is agreed to. For what reason does the Gentleman from the District of Columbia rise?

Groom: I call up Wedding Bill 1.

Speaker: The clerk will report the bill.

Clerk: Wedding Bill 1, the vows governing the marriage of Mr. Robinson, the Gentleman from the District of Columbia and Ms. Camosy, the Gentlelady from the District of Columbia.

Groom: I ask unanimous consent that the reading of the bill be waived.

Speaker: Without objection. Under the rule there will be 30 minutes of general debate followed by 5 minutes of debate each on the amendments made in order by the rule. Time will be divided in the customary fashion. The Gentleman from the District of Columbia is recognized.

Groom: I yield myself such time as I may consume.

[debate proceeds – 30 minutes general debate, 5 minutes each on amendments]

Speaker: Time for debate having expired, the previous question is ordered. The question is on adoption of the [Name] Amendment, Number [#]. A recorded vote is mandatory under the rule. The clerk will call the roll.

Clerk: The Gentleman from the District of Columbia.

Groom: Aye.

Clerk: The Gentlelady from the District of Columbia.

Bride: Aye.

Speaker: The clerk will report.

Clerk: Two votes in favor, none opposed.

Speaker: The amendment is agreed to. The unfinished business is the [Name] Amendment, Number [#].

[voting proceeds until final passage]

Speaker: The bill [as amended] is passed. The clerk will administer the vows.

[Vows are said.]

Speaker: In honor of this joyous occasion, a black bull will be sacrificed to the gods.

[Bull is led forward and ritually sacrificed.] [Lightning flashes, thunder rumbles; the gods are pleased]

Speaker: Is there further business to come before this wedding? Hearing none, this wedding is adjourned.

[Bagpipe band plays recessional.]

[Wedding moves to adjacent tables. Mead horn is passed around. Food is served. While guests eat, a scop recites an epic poem commemorating the story of the couple.]

[After dinner tables are cleared away for dancing accompanied by all accordion band.]

[The omens being favorable, the couple and their thanes depart on a raiding voyage against their enemies.]

He also brainstormed a few other options with his bride, if that wasn’t enough…

  • Destination wedding to Outer Mongolia
  • At sea in international waters
  • Everyone required to wear tophats
  • Sacrificing a white bull to the gods
  • Sacrificing a black bull to the gods
  • Holding the wedding on dramatic bluffs above the sea (storm optional)
  • Bonfires
  • All accordion band
  • Conducting ceremony according to US House of Representatives procedure
  • Conducting ceremony according to US Senate procedure
  • Bagpipes
  • Inviting a Catholic priest, a rabbi, a minister, an imam, and a Hindu priest and having them fight over who gets to officiate
  • Hire an Old English scholar to compose an epic poem about our relationship

I’ll be curious to see how much of this makes it into the actual ceremony…

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